T.J. Hughes (1989-2007)

TJ Hughes was a great person
i was really just starting
to get to know him last year
and the begining of this year.
Everytime i talked to him
he always made me laugh.
The last time i talked to him was
friday morning the day before he died.
I remember he was trying to push me and
hillary out of the way with his tuba and
made us a laugh. Then we said goodbye
How was i suppose to know that that would
be the last goodbye.
TJ was not only just a friend
but he was like a brother to everyone.
Even though he's not here anymore
he will always be remembered in our hearts.

R.I.P. T.J. Hughes.

this one is for you

i watched myself fall for so many years
trying to hide the pain
of all that remains of you
the memories
photographs
everything we shared
i would give it all away
just to see you one more day

even as a stranger
you'd still be the same to me
the way you held my hand
the way you loved me
i would give up everythng i own
go back to the end
just to see you again

i imagine you here with me everyday
walking by my side
going along on this journey
the journey we call life
through pains and struggles
the darkest hours that pass
i want you here to help me last

even as a stranger
you'd still be the same to me
the way you held my hand
the way you loved me
i would give up everything i own
go back to the end
just to see you again

you'll never understand!!

Tears slipping down my cheeks
But I can't explain to you why
For I know you'd never understand
All the reasons why I cry

Tried to explain so many times
Reasons why my face is wet
Yet only a few days go by
Before you conveniently forget

My pain shows on my face
But you'll never truly understand
So don't throw pity my way
Don't try and hold my hand

Faced so much anger and hurt
Countless untold horror
If you knew everything I meant
Still wouldn't understand my sorrow

No matter how many times you see me weep
Don't bother to try and figure out why
Sad as it may be, here is the truth
You'll never understand why I cry

childhood

I realized today, that my childhood is pretty much gone.

The days of leaving everything up to Mom to fix.
The days of laying on the floor and doing nothing but watching the ceiling.
The days of just being lazy.
Just being myself.

I can't return to the years of thirteen, twelve, eight, seven, five.
I can't go back and change the choices I made for myself.
Undo the things that I regret most.

I can't go back and stop myself from saying hurtful things.
I can't go back and tell the people whom I have loved that I really did love them.
I can't go back and stop myself from loving as much as I did.

I can't go back and make myself study more.
And I can't go back and make more friends than I have.
I just can't.

I feel helpless right now.
I want to scream at the stars that it is unfair.
Unfair that I can't control when childhood goes.

Why can't I stop it from leaving damnit.
Why can't I cling to it with all my power and try to make time stand still.
There won't be anymore pirate ships, and damsels in distress.

This is the real world- the prince charmings are rapists-
and the princesses are trussed up girls too spoiled to know better.

The fair kings are child molesters,
and all the toys in the world can't stop us from realizing,
that our childhood will be gone before we know it.

That our childhood has already left.

why hope?

Hope is supposed to be a good thing in your life but why is
hope the only thing in your life that you have in bad situations.
Many people have hope and for the lucky few it really gets better.
But when it doesnt get better..why does hope tear you apart
with the feeling it all could get better while it didnt get better
for many years.

Why did my hope stay even without you here... hope that I would
get the same joy like I am with you here.
Hope did more bad then good..hope cant repay the loss of a very
good friend you shared it with...but hope lingers on.
Hope is a neverending pain because of the past.. the past that was
so nice but now its just a memory with a bad advice: hope

My only hope left is that my hope will go away.

it just feels better if i write about it and get it out

i got in a fight with my friend kristen last night and i felt so horrible for yelling at her that i couldnt sleep. its just that i am only 16 amd im going through so much right now that i dont know what to do, feel, think, say, or who to blame but myself. recently toni got into a car wreck and shes paralyzed and people keep saying well at least your lucky shes still alive. yes, but thats not my point. me and the people who are really close to toni have to watch her go through rehab, lift her up when shes down, and to watch her from being so full of life and always running around to being in a wheel chair for the rest of her life. i know that were gonna get through this but right now its such a hard task to take on because toni has been my best friend since seventh grade. Also recently my grandpa died. its really tough to go from seeing my grandpa everyday to never seeing him again. he was always there for me, made me laugh when i was having a bad day, we always did fun stuff together and i miss him so much. i wish i could have taken his place but i have to trust god and remember that everything happens for a reason. just like my mom having cancer its hard to sit here and watch her suffer and i wish i could take her pain but i cant. all i can do is be here for her. i know im going to get through all this but its definatlely going to be a long hard journey.

voices

voices like echos seem so real
happy sad i dont know what i feel
somtimes i feel i'm in a knot
somtimes i feel like i've been shot
my heart starts beatin' really fast
but i finaly calm down at last
my breathing gets heavy it's hard to move
tears pour down it feels so crude
i feel like i'm dyin' i'm in a different world
panic attak? is that the word?
maybe i'm schizophrenic
i have no idea what did it
i need help sombody please
i pray as i crawl to my knees
then it's black nothings there
i feel as if no one cares
it's over and i think as i wake up
my mind is all messed up