T.J. Hughes (1989-2007)

TJ Hughes was a great person
i was really just starting
to get to know him last year
and the begining of this year.
Everytime i talked to him
he always made me laugh.
The last time i talked to him was
friday morning the day before he died.
I remember he was trying to push me and
hillary out of the way with his tuba and
made us a laugh. Then we said goodbye
How was i suppose to know that that would
be the last goodbye.
TJ was not only just a friend
but he was like a brother to everyone.
Even though he's not here anymore
he will always be remembered in our hearts.

R.I.P. T.J. Hughes.

this one is for you

i watched myself fall for so many years
trying to hide the pain
of all that remains of you
the memories
photographs
everything we shared
i would give it all away
just to see you one more day

even as a stranger
you'd still be the same to me
the way you held my hand
the way you loved me
i would give up everythng i own
go back to the end
just to see you again

i imagine you here with me everyday
walking by my side
going along on this journey
the journey we call life
through pains and struggles
the darkest hours that pass
i want you here to help me last

even as a stranger
you'd still be the same to me
the way you held my hand
the way you loved me
i would give up everything i own
go back to the end
just to see you again

you'll never understand!!

Tears slipping down my cheeks
But I can't explain to you why
For I know you'd never understand
All the reasons why I cry

Tried to explain so many times
Reasons why my face is wet
Yet only a few days go by
Before you conveniently forget

My pain shows on my face
But you'll never truly understand
So don't throw pity my way
Don't try and hold my hand

Faced so much anger and hurt
Countless untold horror
If you knew everything I meant
Still wouldn't understand my sorrow

No matter how many times you see me weep
Don't bother to try and figure out why
Sad as it may be, here is the truth
You'll never understand why I cry

childhood

I realized today, that my childhood is pretty much gone.

The days of leaving everything up to Mom to fix.
The days of laying on the floor and doing nothing but watching the ceiling.
The days of just being lazy.
Just being myself.

I can't return to the years of thirteen, twelve, eight, seven, five.
I can't go back and change the choices I made for myself.
Undo the things that I regret most.

I can't go back and stop myself from saying hurtful things.
I can't go back and tell the people whom I have loved that I really did love them.
I can't go back and stop myself from loving as much as I did.

I can't go back and make myself study more.
And I can't go back and make more friends than I have.
I just can't.

I feel helpless right now.
I want to scream at the stars that it is unfair.
Unfair that I can't control when childhood goes.

Why can't I stop it from leaving damnit.
Why can't I cling to it with all my power and try to make time stand still.
There won't be anymore pirate ships, and damsels in distress.

This is the real world- the prince charmings are rapists-
and the princesses are trussed up girls too spoiled to know better.

The fair kings are child molesters,
and all the toys in the world can't stop us from realizing,
that our childhood will be gone before we know it.

That our childhood has already left.

why hope?

Hope is supposed to be a good thing in your life but why is
hope the only thing in your life that you have in bad situations.
Many people have hope and for the lucky few it really gets better.
But when it doesnt get better..why does hope tear you apart
with the feeling it all could get better while it didnt get better
for many years.

Why did my hope stay even without you here... hope that I would
get the same joy like I am with you here.
Hope did more bad then good..hope cant repay the loss of a very
good friend you shared it with...but hope lingers on.
Hope is a neverending pain because of the past.. the past that was
so nice but now its just a memory with a bad advice: hope

My only hope left is that my hope will go away.

it just feels better if i write about it and get it out

i got in a fight with my friend kristen last night and i felt so horrible for yelling at her that i couldnt sleep. its just that i am only 16 amd im going through so much right now that i dont know what to do, feel, think, say, or who to blame but myself. recently toni got into a car wreck and shes paralyzed and people keep saying well at least your lucky shes still alive. yes, but thats not my point. me and the people who are really close to toni have to watch her go through rehab, lift her up when shes down, and to watch her from being so full of life and always running around to being in a wheel chair for the rest of her life. i know that were gonna get through this but right now its such a hard task to take on because toni has been my best friend since seventh grade. Also recently my grandpa died. its really tough to go from seeing my grandpa everyday to never seeing him again. he was always there for me, made me laugh when i was having a bad day, we always did fun stuff together and i miss him so much. i wish i could have taken his place but i have to trust god and remember that everything happens for a reason. just like my mom having cancer its hard to sit here and watch her suffer and i wish i could take her pain but i cant. all i can do is be here for her. i know im going to get through all this but its definatlely going to be a long hard journey.

voices

voices like echos seem so real
happy sad i dont know what i feel
somtimes i feel i'm in a knot
somtimes i feel like i've been shot
my heart starts beatin' really fast
but i finaly calm down at last
my breathing gets heavy it's hard to move
tears pour down it feels so crude
i feel like i'm dyin' i'm in a different world
panic attak? is that the word?
maybe i'm schizophrenic
i have no idea what did it
i need help sombody please
i pray as i crawl to my knees
then it's black nothings there
i feel as if no one cares
it's over and i think as i wake up
my mind is all messed up

set me free

You wanna know who I am,
Well so do I.
When I figure it out,
I will peacefully die.

I am a little girl.
I don't understand people, places, or feelings.
No knowledge of the real world;
I take things too seriously and phsycoanalyze everything.

Sex drugs and rock and roll;
I kill myself daily.
Breathe your life as u take mine;
I will myself to be free.

Free from the life that binds me;
Free from pain that kills me;
Free from those who blind me;
And hold those who feel me.

But my will is weak,
I need something more;
Is it really God that I seek,
Or a man to adore?

Look at where I'm at now,
Being a poser, lying to myself about love.
Maybe it will get better,
Maybe I will just get messed up.

Sad to know ur insanity;
Is that all there is to me?
Is insanity the essence of my being?
Do I really know reality?

There has to be more to life,
Than what I have attained so far.
I can't take this shit,
All I have reaped are scars.

Yes my wounds heal,
But the scars patronize me;
Showing me where I've been,
Not allowing me to be free.

Free from the life that binds me;
Free from pain that kills me;
Free from those who blind me;
As I hold those who feel me.

in memory of my grandpa

I will never forget all the laughs we have shared
all the times you have made me smile
you mean so much to me and i dont really know
what im going to do without you.
it was so very painful to see you lieing in that hospital bed
but the nights we shared i will never forget.
the way you made me laugh
and how we was looking forward to you coming home.
we was going to do so much together
i didnt get to say how much i love you
and now i really regret it.
i hope you saw just how much i loved you
and will do forever more.
although you are gone to me
you will always be right here in my heart
and in my soul
ill miss you always

something more

im looking for a reason
to give something more
than i can find
im waiting for a hand
to guide me
through this storm of mine
im searching for an answer
to a question that i ask
why am i here to even dream

wake me up
show the world through different eyes
hold me tight
fly through the different skies
show me that theres more to life
a reason i should live
tell me i have something more to give

i dont know why this world
is less than i expected
i dont know why i hold these secrets
deep inside
everyone has different pain
bleeding through the pouring rain
these bloody hands
have nothing more to hide

wake me up
show the world through different eyes
hold me tight
fly through the different skies
show me that theres more to life
a reason i should live
tell me i have something more to give

i will not run away
ill stand and face my fear
ill dust off the shelves
make the wine glass clear
ill take away the darkness
create a world of light
i will not fall til i win this fight

wake me up
show the world through different eyes
hold me tight
fly through the different skies
show me that theres more to life
a reason i should live
tell me i have something more to give

show me that theres more to life
a reason i should live
tell me i have something more to give

will we ever be friends again?

What are we fighting over?
I simply do not know
You have me lost in thoughts
I'm tossing to and fro
Soon you will be gone
And you'll blame this all on me
What can I say or do
So the mistake we both can see
Why did you pick this fight
With me before you go?
I'm all alone and lost
But of this you do not know
If you don't say goodbye
Before you turn and leave.
What am I supposed to do
Except to cry and grieve?
I thought our friendship was special
I thought it meant a lot
If you felt the same way
Why are we stuck in this knot?
I don't like good-byes
But in this we have no choice
If you won't speak to me
the good-bye's will come from my voice
We've managed through other fights
But this one's not the same
I'm not having any fun,
And I want to stop this game.
I'm not good at writing
So I'll do my best with this
I have one last request
It is my goodbye wish
I wish that we were friends again
Before we say goodbye
Now that this is off my chest
I wait and sit and sigh

the shattered pieces on his porch

faded star
looking upon the world through the suns eyes
fighting the crystals of his tears that he cries
all he every fought for
all he every knew
now fades to dust in the wind
as the little boy inside dies
his whole world turns to stone
through eyes he dare not meet in dreams
searching for something thats not there
to make it feel hes not alone
the stories that wrote his sin
the people he left behind
in an old torn down building
that can not be rebuilt again

a world away

i still recall every summer night
like it was yesterday
the time would never end
and my friends were family
nothing mattered more
than the loyalty we had
now i'm a world away from everything we shared
i had something better
waiting ahead
i try to take control of my heart
i had something better
but i'll tear it down
and i'll tape it up
by my own design i fall
bring back the days
three story parking lot
the air is never dry
as the city falls asleep,
days bleed into the night
the tables set the stage
for a life of memories
but i'm a world away from everything

where did you go?

where do i begin
theres so much i want to say
but cant put into words
the way that i feel
if i could take back the past
and paint the future
then maybe i could live again
be the person i want to be
but i cant without you here

if i could make the sun fade away
make the moon and the stars dance
then i would do it for you
but living this life on just one chance
is not enough for you to stay

creation

if we were young forever
then angels are we
dancing into the heavens
beyond the moon and the stars
beyond the world of imagination
but days pass by
as our childhood grows smaller
we werent meant to love anymore
our world grows cold
as the flaming dagger pierces our hearts
all our hopes and dreams
were taken by the future
erased by the past
as the last leaf falls to the ground
what will its memory be of us?
living in this cold cruel life
the love just wasnt meant to last

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COURTNEY
u shine like the light from the sun
and always will
and every year i will tell you this
on your birthday

one day

if you never killed me
i would never be alive
if i never died
today i would not cry
be convinced i am crushed
as joy floods my eyes
you did your best
but you failed

i dont know what this is anymore!

All alone,
I sit,
I cry Surrounded by people
A group of people I should fit in with
But don't
No one asks why I cry
No one pays attention anymore
I am surrounded
I am alone
Where have all my friends gone
I ask myself
They were here one year
And gone the next
I look a part But feel secluded
A new voice,
a new sound One I hadn't heard before
One apart from my group
I found a new friend
You ask why I cry
I say no one will talk to me
You say you will talk to me
One little hello
from a stranger
Saved me,
gave me Hope
Gave me Happiness again
For the first time in a year I was truely Happy
but then you walked away

i try not to think about
all the pain i feel inside
did you know you used to be my hero
all the days you spent now seem so far away
and it feels like you dont care anymore
and now i try hard to make it
i just wanna make you proud
im never gonna be good enough for you
i cant stand another fight
and nothings all alright

please dont turn your back
i cant believe its hard just to talk to you
when you dont understand
im sorry.

out of the night

out of the night
of burning darkness
i seal your heart away
hiding all the secrets of your past
running the other way
for the stars above
tell the world your story
you have no reason to run
the time will come when you stand before them
with the rising of the sun
when thousands & thousands of years have past
the sun will fade away
leaving the world to float in eternal darkness
the world will then be dead to your story
you have nothing left to hide
you have now become the burning light
the angel that came out of the night

betrayal

i close my eyes tonight
lay my head down at your feet
this is the end
all the hopes and dreams i lived for
have been crushed in your hands
these are the words that tear me apart
there is no one left here that understands

all the pain you put me through
propped up by lies and promises
i try to find my place as life forgets
im left alone
with no strenth left to find
its time i left you behind

i never really opened my eyes
you never really knew me
im sick and tired of the faking
its time for you to take me home
far away from the life i regret
but how could i forget

all the pain you put me through
propped up by lies and promises
i try to find my place as life forgets
tell me im apart of history
tell me i can have it all
but im left alone
with no strenth to fight
im ending this all
im ending it all tonight

what have we become?

demons
come feast on the souls of the living dead
take the rose from the grave
take them from their bed
there is nothing left to save
for thier hearts hath committed sin
hope and peace has gone to the darker side
take them to the river
from which they can not hide
from the reflection of their pathetic life
they have taken the world which you created
echoing angels cry into silence
fire rise from the ground
destroy them all without sound
for we can not look down upon them the same
they have put our name in shame
let their blood fall like rain from the sky
destroy them all, let them all die
for the time has come
when darkness has won
who will be thier saviour?

gifts

oh living breath of fire
i give you some more flames
of all the hopes and dreams
dying in your hand

oh shining star in the sky
i give you light to shine
thoughts of past
thoughts of future
pain that cannot die

oh enemy of the sword
i give you this to fight
endless rage
enless power
governors of night

oh wings of life
i give you flight
where will you go from here?
beyond the world of destination
is a world still so unclear

rising from flames

take my hand
hold it tight
this could be your last time
your last time tonight
lay under the stars
watching the sky
as the wind blows
listen to its cry
the wold is falling
its falling asleep
its leaving us in peices
were left to weep
buning ashes
flames from hell
look into the stars
what do thier eyes tell
there will be a great battle
a battle from hell
knight of glory
knight of honor
take my sword
put on your armor
stab them once, stab them twice
kick them, punch them,
slice, slice, slice
you did it, you did it,
you hear the people call
you did it, you defeated them all
go on now dont stand in fear
you here a faint voice
whispering in your ear
you won the battle
your job is done
thank you
oh thank you
oh thank you
my son

one last time

drowning in the water
im crying out for help
the blood is running down
running down my face
this is not where I want to be
I wanna go back
to a time when nothing mattered
to a time when no one cared
now i've gone too far
consumed by dark ages
everything is turning black
painted memories in my mind
of everything we once were
and everything we could have been
we had such great potential
why did you do it?
why did you leave me?

im drowning in the water
swimming my way back to you
i wanna hold you one last time
i wanna hear your voice
i want you right here next to me
oh i want you right here next to me

you have no idea the pain you brought to my heart
the tears you put in my eyes
how can i forget you?
the night before i left
i had a special gift for you
but you shoved it in my face
beat me down
all i ever wanted was a chance
but did you give that to me?
NO! you slammed my head against a rock
and pushed me in the water

im drowning in the water
swimming my way back to you
i wanna hold you one last time
i wanna hear your voice
i want you right here next to me
oh i want you right here next to me

so here i am again tonight
begging for one last chance
i didnt mean to hurt you
i didnt mean to make you cry
look up at the sky tell me what you see
i wanna hear you say
that what you see is me

im drowning in the water
swimming my way back to you
i wanna hold you one last time
i wanna hear your voice
i want you right here next to me
oh i want you right here next to me

please dont leave me.......

Your time has come

kill us
we offer ourselves as sacricfices tonight
light us on fire
watch us burn
screaming into the silence
we're gone
stand before the master
now its your turn to die
dont fall over
stand up you fool
you brought this upon yourself
prepare to be slottered
20 seconds before you die:
you realize what you did was wrong
10 seconds before you die:
a flash of everything you put us through eats at your soul
5 seconds before you die:
you beg, plead, scream "NOOOO PLEASE DONT KILL ME"
2 seconds before you die:
i stand in front of you and give back what you gave me

BANG........

IT'S OVER.......

leaving....

what do i have to give you?
i thought you were a friend
guess i was wrong (im always wrong)
your falling away from me now
everytime i look your never there
i hope someday you will come back to me
but the day comes when we must know
that old friends move on
and without meaning to
they leave you here in the
cold,ugly,frightening,torturing
DARKNESS........

untitled

one more day like this? NO, its tearing me apart!
Look at me what do you see?
a creature of darkness hiding the light!
Follow me
i'll show you whats inside
ive got nothing to hide
you wont break me down today

look into the light
turn right back around and look into the darkness
stand where i stand
fall where i fall

what do i have to offer you? Nothing
you find it within yourself
its evil enough to destroy
but cant be destroyed itself

look into the light
turn right back around and look into the darkness
stand where i stand
fall where i fall

you think you can take it?
you think you can be me?
you will never be me
i am who i am
your just a cheap imitation

look into the light
turn right back around and look into the darkness
stand where i stand
fall where i fall

hidden pain

dont let it deceive you
this girl may look normal
this girl may look like shes happy
but on the inside shes hurt
wishing, hoping, dreaming, praying
her pain would have an end
but it never had an end
shes watching you
wishing she could be like you
will you let her down again
with your sad excuses
your stupid lies
she looks at the stars everynight and wishes
if i could be like that
i would give anything
just to live one day,
in those shoes
if i could be like that
what would i do
will you let her down again tonight
or lift her up and mend her broken wings
make your choice......
she wont wait forever

searching

looking out the window
looking for something more
its not inside yourself
its not in someone else
can anyone hear me
is anybody listening tonight
will it matter if i die
will matter if i hide the light
reaching out
crying from the shadows
can anyone hear
or is it just another dream.......

shadows

they walk among us
in hatred and guilt
They were once there to guide you
only leading to destruction
fire in their eyes sin in their hearts
no matter how hard they try
no matter how high they climb up the moutain
they wont reach heaven in your eyes
through the darkness of pain
they seek to ignite the fire of fear
you try to run
but there is no escape ­